Dad stuff

Me and Dad.

Yes, I am up at 12:30. But not because I didn't go to bed. I did, but I couldn't get to sleep, and with no sexy body lying next to my own, there was nothing to keep me from getting out again.

So anyhow, as I was lying there thinking about zillions of things I wondered if I had ever posted this one funny e-mail my dad wrote one time to one of my friends in high school. Well I don't think I have. Though even if I had, it would be worth reading again. So I got up, dug through the boxes next to this very desk I sit at now, found the Dad book, and found the e-mail.

So my friend's name was Matthew and he used to sign his emails Matthew the Magnificent, and my dad knew him well enough that he considered it appropriate to put him in his rightful place, and wrote this:

I believe that you are suffering from delusions of grandeur. Your inability to come to terms with the insignificance of your puny life, when compared with my many talents must have finally crushed your fragile psyche and caused your mind to go into hallucinatory self aggrandizement and denial. GET OVER IT!!!!!!!! Get a grip!!!!!!!!! WAKE UP AND SMELL THE PIG PEN!!!!!!!! You will only finally reach nirvana when you accept the relativity of your position in life!!!!! There is no shame in being an amoeba, be the best single celled organism that you can be---reach out, stretch, divide, conquer your little world. But, pine not for that which cannot be. Continued failure to reach the unreachable can only destroy the mitochondria of your soul. You cannot make a silk purse out of a sow's ear--or in this case, out of an amoeba.

Some more that I think are funny:

Yo, master of the universe!!! It is with enthusiastic entrails that I etch this erstwhile explicative epistolic email of epic, expansive, and euphoric proportions. Have a nice day!!! FG

Yo! It is a nebulous sort of morning on which I pen my regards to your little eyes. Have joy in this current historic space of time. tata

One to my sister Andrea when she was at BYU:

It is with a heavy heart that I address this epistle to you. It has come to my attention that not all is well in our little kingdom. While you may not be entirely to blame, the shortfall in revenues that I am currently experiencing is, at least in part, due to your lack of consistency in forwarding to me what is rightfully mine. Repent now and support your genetic supplier with the necessary funds to allow for his removal from this cold barren wasteland (he lived in North Dakota at the time). After all, it is a much better place that we go, if only we could get gone there.

Another couple to Andrea:

Hey, have you ever heard of the word Succinct---look it up, use it, make it your emailing code of honor. Never abandon it again. I just used up half of my morning getting acquainted with each second of your life over the past few days. Gadfrey Moses I must have the gene pool checked. Thanks and love ya DAD.

Gadfree Moses your emails are nigh unto a Harlequin Romance. Get a grip girl. Have a nice day!!!

A letter written to Andrea while she was at Utah State. The Relief Society president in Andrea's singles ward requested that lal the parents of RS sisters write letters expressing their love for their daughters. The letters were then collected and distributed at a RS party. A part of the letter not included here mentions that Dad thought Andrea's hair was cooler than Dorothy's--as in the girl with the little dog Toto.

Dear Andrea, I truly believe that the wolf would have repented and become a reformed and useful member of society had not the impulsive woodsman dealt him a terminal blow to the noggin. Anyway, we can discuss my philosophy at length another time.

Here are some memories from various children of his. Again, I might have shared these before. Oh well.

Kami: Dad always licked our glasses.

Kayli: Dad often showed his love by bumping my head into his belly.

Wyatt: Dad, Tarren, Tate, Uncle Montey, and I were haying. Tarren, Tate, and I were up on top of the trailer and Dad was throwing bales up to us. Towards the end when the stack was at least ten feet tall, we started mocking Dad and saying he wouldn't be able to throw them up anymore. After that, Dad started chucking bales 15 feet in the air and would have thrown them all the way over the trailer if we hadn't been up there to stop them. Needless to say, we all know that our Dad is the strongest one out there!

Kami: One time Dad said to Leo, "Sorry for all the mean things that I've said about you that are true."

Kami: Kayli and I rode with Dad back from Young Women's in North Dakota to Des Lacs since Dad was in the bishopric. We always got really hyper. One time, Kayli was trying to give Dad wet willies so he rolled her hair up in the window so she couldn't reach him. Also, he gave us lectures on how to make money selling drugs by mixing in a little cornstarch or oatmeal.

Kayli: We were all at stake conference one Sunday and Wyatt was sitting there minding his own business when Dad leaned over to him and whispered, "It's not my fault you're ugly, you must be a throwback."

Ethan: Every night after scriptures and prayers I dominate him in wrestling and make him say uncle.

umm--ha ha ah ahahaaaaaa!!!

Megan: During a father/daughter interview one Sunday in Provo, Dad asked in a very concerned voice, "What drugs have you been doing lately and did you steal any from me? You shouldn't take mine, I am your father." Then he started talking about his brain on drugs.

Brett: When Dad and Mom lived in Uintah, they went to a dance with Andrea and Tim and Kayli and I. After the dance, everyone got in the car and Dad went around in circles in the parking lot for several minutes. It was very strange.

A short excerpt from a lengthy correspondence between Dad and Megan.
Dad: Your epistle is well received, however is the hare (they were discussing the March Hare) really the major problem here? I say no!!! Did the hare steal Red Rotten Hood's cookies and neck with her grandmother? Did the hare terrorize the three little pigs with "ham"burger in mind? Was it the hairless one in question that had 23 offspring and then left them living in a shoe? I say no again!!! It was Donny Osmond and he should pay the price!! Off with his head!!

Megan: Alas sir, I beg to differ. The giraffe is responsible for who else could create the long neck? What about the Hunchback of Notre Dame? Did anyone think to send him for counseling from our feathered friends (quacks) before he threw himself off the top of the tower? What is this world coming to? Mass hysteria has led up all to , belief not in miracles, but in Prince Humperdink! True love and the giraffe must be saved!!

Dad: True love is but a mirage in the desert of life and exists in reality only on MTV. However, do not despair because Santa is alive and well and will soon be dropping drugs off for all the good boys and girls in the world. Then while mom and dad are doing turkey the kids can smoke opium and snort cinnamon. Don't you wish you had've been a better little daughter and had given your money to your Dad instead of gambling it away in Vegas?


Yes, my dad is a bizarre man with an unhealthy obsession with drugs and his children giving him money. But what can I do?? You can't choose your predecessors.