Funny stories I've saved from the past several months

 Orrin and Wyatt went and worked hard for Uncle Ethan for 3 hours, cleaning out his barn and corral. And then when we were driving through Wellsville they had me stop at the new Philly Cheesesteak restaurant, and they blew ALL of their hard-earned cash. 😂😂

I went and saw Dad and mom for a bit this morning. Dad offered to show Navy his scar from his heart surgery, and she said "No way!!" And I said, "But Navy, you want to be a doctor when you grow up," and she looked at me aghast and said, "Not for my own grandpa!!!!"

Today I subbed for primary chorister, and they were doing get to know you questions because it's a brand new presidency, and Wyatt got called up, did the little plinko game and got the question "if you could meet anyone living or dead, who would it be?" And he thought for like a minute and a half, and finally got this cocky look on his face and said, "Myself." 🤦🤦🤦🤦

Josh, Jethro's best man --who didn't come to the reception, so then when I met him the next day the first thing I said was, "Are you Josh, the worst best man ever?" Anyway, he was hilarious, after waiting outside the temple forever we got to know him and his hilarious sense of humor. Wyatt was going a little crazy and was putting his suspenders over his head and stuff, and then Josh put his on his head and was like, "who am I?" But then they snapped him hard in his face! 🤣🤣 Then he accidentally stepped into the flower beds at the temple and was like, "who stepped there?!" And he bent down and brushed off the smashed baby flower plant and was like, "it's the Lord's flower, it will resurrect..." Later, Wyatt said, "I like second Josh better than first Josh" to Hazel. And Hazel's like, "great... But I'm not, like, dating him or anything" and Wyatt said, "well you should. You shall!"

Last night Chad got a little squishy ball thingee for a present, and everyone was squeezing it to feel how it felt, and then Brett was squeezing it and said, "This is like an amoeba. See, it has pseudopodium." And apparently Chad and Siri (his girlfriend) were like "what the... how is it that a real thing??" So they were all dying over Brett's five-star scientific word, and we were all looking it up and figuring out how it's spelled and stuff, so then I told Siri about the time I was talking to Kami and I couldn't quite hear the word she said, and then she repeated it, but I still couldn't tell if it started with a P or D or T, so then she said, "P--as in, PHOTON." So then we were all dying laughing at that, and Chad said, "but that's such a weird word to pick because that's not how a p sounds photonically" when he really meant 'phonetically' so we just cracked up. Anyway, it was late, you had to be there. But it was hilarious.

Okay, the most hilarious thing ever -- we went to the cave yesterday with me and Amy Porter and Hazel (Hazel was the impetus for this because didn't go when we went the first time), and Hazel invited her friend Samantha. Samantha's mom, Valerie, is my good friend, but just a little bit timid, and there have been a couple times when I have encouraged her to do things out of her comfort zone a little, maybe. Anyway, Samantha told us that before she left, her mom told her "Don't let Kayli pressure you into doing anything you don't want to." I was like, what???!!!! I would never!!!! Although, come to think of it, that's what Wyatt and I did for fun during our formative years, pressure each other into doing risky things or be labeled a City Slicker...

I just threw a roll at Orrin's head so hard and so fast and it hit him square in the face and bounced off and it was the funniest thing ever. I would pay a million dollars for a slow-mo video. 😂😂😂😂😂

Wyatt said to me, "I made up a song, come listen." So I went to the piano and listened to him pick out the melody of 'What Child Is This.' 😂😂 I was like, good job buddy, but you didn't write it.

Yesterday we saw the movie Escape from Germany, and today I was reading out loud from this cool book called God's Smuggler, and I said, "All this is making me want to go on a mission!" And Talmage said, "You already have a mission, and it's making me dinner!"

Talmage and Chad were doing some pushups and then comparing their biceps, and then Chad looked at me and said, "Did you get your tickets?" And I was like, "tickets?" And then he yells, "TO THE FLEX SHOW!!!!!!!"  

I only just now realized how stressed I need to be starting IMMEDIATELY and continuing until we leave on Thursday because I haven't done anything for Goblin Valley yet...  I was whining to Brett and I said, "...and Ethne's not even home to help me organize my life so I can get on top of what I need to do, so who's gonna help me get organized???" And he said, "Umm, Navy." And I said, "We're all dooooomed!!" 

Brett, after walking in the Layton Mall for 2.1 minutes: "OH MY GOSH! People are weird!!! I forgot-- I never leave the house."

Navy: Mom, tomorrow for school we have to dress up in warthog colors. 
Me: What are warthog colors??
Navy: You know, Harry Potter?! (Hogwarts)

Tonight at Chad's mission call opening, an old guy was talking to Dad, and he was saying which of these kids are yours? And Dad pointed to me, and the guy was impressed because apparently his first wife had red hair and he loves it. And Dad said, "Yeah, I have two daughters with red hair. The troublesome one (indicating me)... and the older troublesome one." Then after a second he said, "And you know the worst part about it is that they don't even apologize. They just make trouble, and go on their way." Then shook his head ruefully.

We were talking about what the girls should dress up as for our next Halloween photoshoot. Navy said gypsies and I said we've already been that, then she said a circus, etc., and then Dad said, "You should be porpi. Navy can be a dolphin, Ethne can be a narwhal, and Hazel can be a blue whale." 
Hazel: I don't want to be a whale!!
Me: And Navy doesn't want to be Frodo, but sometimes you just gotta suck it up.

Musings (by Amy)
Hanging with Orrin 
Him helping me get my house mission call opening ready 
We make small talk mostly until I’m taking him home 
Blackie (my car) ignited a lot of questions 
Him,”what’s wrong with this car? “
Me”what’s NOT wrong with this car?”
Him” “How come you are using your sweatshirt to wipe off your window to see?”
Me “the defrost is broken … it was actually talmages head that broke off this section of the car at Myles farewell a few years ago so defrost doesn’t work”
Him” do you happen to have a piece of tubing?”
Me, “ of course , right here in my pocket!”
Him” really?”
Me, “no, I’m joking… I don’t carry tubing around in my pocket”
Him, “maybe I can use a bAg to divert the air?”
Me, “this is already way above my pay grade”
Him, “ is this garbage in this brown bag?”
Me “yes”
Him “where should I put this garbage so I can use this bag?”
Me “look around, you can legit throw it anywhere!”
Him ( and this is an exact quote), “ I think that is the attitude that led this car to be in the condition it is in right now!”
Now I’m literally dying laughing 🤣 
He then proceeds to make some bag car part that actually starts working and defrosting a part of the window 
Him holding the bag and sighing 
“I'm so glad to be in my family”
Me “why”
Him “this car would be so unacceptable to my Dad !”
Me “we’ll you’re lucky then, because all I’ve got is you and this brown paper bag!!”
Literally the funniest drive home of my life! —Amy

Also from Amy: quote from Maria 
Me: “so you’re going to do the flower welcome sign for the wedding” 
Her: “yes but Brett is going to make it”
Me: “ya I think he can make the picture stands too”
Her” this Brett for a father in law is turning out to be PRETTY HANDY!”
Me laughing, “ You have no idea Maria!”

Doing floating lanterns at Lindsay's house for early New Year's: Jethro and Talmage did theirs, figured out that it takes a verrrry long time to get warm enough inside to make it float, so you have to hold it and carefully, gently, tenderly, patiently wait until you can gently lift it off and let it fly. Then Brett comes out and starts lighting one, and Talmage tells him, "You have to raise it, like a child..." and Brett impatiently just starts chucking it upwards. 

Talmage called his huge, two-bun hoagie the "double barreled full-choke"

Jethro: What about if I get married in May? Or August?
Talmage: Just make sure you don't do it when I'M busy. ...plan around me

Tonight Chad and Siri (his girlfriend) were over at our house, and we were playing games, and then the game ended and the little kids went downstairs, and we were chatting and whatnot, and then Chad started beating up Talmage, and Talmage was trying to curl up in a ball, and then he calls out in this pathetic little voice, "Siri!"  And we all started laughing so hard.

So I gave some music to Jaxxon and Blaze to play with Wyatt. It's a trio on the piano. So Amy was here this morning and we were saying how our kids were moaning and groaning about it (Wyatt really is legit mad about it, because he says it doesn't SOUND like anything --it sounds wrong! And I'm like, that's because you don't have the melody, you have accompaniment --you gotta have faith that it will sound good when it's all together!) Anyway, so Jaxxon and Blaze are complaining about having to practice this and sing in a kids' choir for the concert, and Jaxxon said, "We should really find more things for Sister Bell to do." 

Jethro went to talk to his Differential Equations professor today, and after seeing his Purdue degree on the wall and chatting for a while, found out that he had been babysat by him when we lived in Indiana.  Crazy small world, crazy time flying by so fast! (Also, BYU is a crazy melting pot!)  His professor also asked him if his dad is still making biodiesel in his garage (which he isn't). (It was the Allens)

Ethne most days: Why do you always make me play violin for things? I am more than just a violinist. Etc etc...
Ethne this morning when I said to decide soon whether or not she wants to play the 🎻 part so that if not, I can get someone else to play it: 
What?? Who else would you get?? No! You're only allowed to have ME play the violin! I'M your violinist!!

I know you can't see anything from this picture, but climbing back up the place we rappelled down was definitely nerve-wracking. Actually just at one particular spot where you had to step over this medium-sized chasm of death. Obviously all the kids were roped in and we just swung them across and they climbed up all roped in, but my friend just climbed up without anything. But I looked at the chasm of terror and was like, I know I can do it, but I think I'll rope in. So I hooked up, stepped across super easily, just like I knew I could, but was glad to have the rope. 😁

The bad part for me though was when we went through the Wiggles part. I was the tallest in our group (my friend is almost the same height as Orrin) and I just felt like my body could NOT bend and contort in the ways it needed to in order to get through some of those tiny little bends and duck-unders and bend AND duck-under AND crawl forward at the same time. 

Navy was in front of me and sometimes she would disappear and I would still hear her but see NO WAY to go any farther!! I was like---how did you all just apparate through solid rock?!! 

And then Navy would yell back, "just keep coming and then go down!" And I'd be like---WHAT?! How am I supposed to go down a little sliver of a hole in the rock with a stalactite coming down over it?!!!

But I made it.

The funny thing is, my friend Amy and I had planned this because it was such a beautiful,  warm day today and next week is supposed to get colder, and I was like, we really HAVE to go out and enjoy this maybe last gorgeous weather! And she said yes! And so, we went in a dark, freezing cold cave, to enjoy this beautiful weather. 

I'm leaving the house with all the older kids and so I say to Wyatt, "You're in charge. Are you responsible enough to be in charge?" And he goes, "No."

Me: So did you take any FUN classes this semester?
Jethro: Well, o-chem (organic chemistry) IS fun! You get to draw all these cool molecules!!

Me: I gotta get in and swim to the middle. I'm gonna do it.
Orrin: Just wait, your resolve disappears once you get in the water. 
(At Stafford Falls in Mt. Rainier Natl Park. It was freezing.)

Orrin: Oww! That's not very hand-warming. That's very head-hurting! (When Navy was putting a stick in the coals to warm up to be a hand warmer, but then whacked Orrin with it accidentally.)

Navy, just listen to your playaway.
Navy: I can't in this wretched place! (Down on the floor of the van.)

At the Big Cedar Tree- Ethne: I dreamed a dream of trees gone by! 

Lindsay:

Tonight I got to go to an area leadership training with Sis Runia and Bro Nelson from the general YW and YM. Sister Runia is hilarious. She was quoting Pres Nelson about gathering Israel and read the quote something like “and you can choose to be a big part of something big. Part of something grand. Part of something majestic….and she pauses…. And says don’t you just love that? I love it so much. Something grand. Something majestic. I love it so much that I wrote a song about it and I titled it Something Grand, Something Majestic. And Now I’m going to sing it to you” and bro Nelson turns away from the mic to sit down. And she says “just kidding. Im not going to sing it. I didn’t write a song.” 😂😂😂

Hazel, trying to catch a lizard, trying to coax it but it turns into a shriek: I just want to HOLD YOU!!

Brett had a job listing come up in Bern, and he emailed it to me. I asked him later, so did you really consider it? And he said, "Yes, definitely! But, then I'd have to leave our home, in this place, and my shop... Curse you, prosperity!!!" (shaking his fist)

Brett took apart the whole small head of the vacuum (the part that you vacuum the stairs with) because it was making this loud, terrible noise. He sat there and had it all in pieces, and cleaned it out and put it back together, and turned it on, and it still made the terrible noise. So then he got all mad and and started shaking it in the air and yelling at it, and then he savagely hit it on the ground a few times, and then he turned it on, and it no longer made the noise and was fine.

(The next few are from a few years ago):

 Talking at dinner, Wyatt wondered whether I'd gone on a mission. I said no because I got married when I was younger than you could go on a mission. Then he asked, "how old were you?" and I said 17. And he said, "So the same age as Ethne?" And I said, "No, Hazel." Then he digested that for a minute, and finally he said, "Were you as short as Hazel?"

Just now at dinner we were talking about doing other people's homework (Wyatt was begging Hazel to do his homework) and Brett said that's academic dishonesty. And then Orrin said, "We did that!" And we said, "What?" and he said, "Well, we tried." And Navy said, "When we try, the Lord won't let us fail!"

On a walk- Navy: God likes walks. 
Me: Yes, you're probably right. He probably goes on walks. 
Navy: And sometimes He walks with us!

When Navy was in kindergarten, she rode the bus of course, and once (at least once, but I think possibly more than once) she had to go to the bathroom SOOOOO badly, that Reed, the bus driver, called his daughter-in-law who is a lady in our ward named Dani, and he asked if Navy could go in and use her bathroom when they were there. She said yes, so he stopped and let Navy off. She waltzes in to the house, goes to the bathroom, takes her time. Ambles out, looks around, says, "I'm SOOO hungry. Can I have a sandwich?" and Dani starts laughing and is like, "You know there is a whole busload of kids waiting for you. I'll give you some fruit snacks." hahaa

I'm explaining to Navy that I am going to a shower for Myles and Hailee, who are getting married, and she says, "You mean Myles isn't going to marry ME?" and she almost starts crying.

I have no context for this, just the quote: It's actually not bad for a snap-circuit photo diode, a flashlight, and a block of wood."